Nice Dark Tan!

Here’s one from the: raining lots-Hawaiian homesteading-Andy Rooney-genre…

tanwishe Turns out there is a free day going on at Island Heat — or Veraspa, depending on your interpretation — well if you “present the ad” apparently — no walk-ins anyway. And dig: it’s the coldest December in many years in Kalamazoo, so maybe a little Island Heat might be nice? Sorry. Through marvels of new technology we’ve gone with “sunless tanning” (asshole) so get sun right out of your pale little miserable mind. You should feel lucky that this shit lasts “8-10 days”.

No doubt sister Jezebel there, declaring, “All I Want for Christmas is a Nice Dark Tan!” (she’s big on capitalizing) does cut a swath in her “finely misted, cleanly scented” brown nubility — and I suppose we can forgive her possible hyperbole. Maybe she is just really…simple- low-maintenance kine. And, as it says on that medallion-shaped thing in the corner: “New Owner! New Look!” (I wonder if Cheney or Rummy ever considered that as a catchy slogan for Iraq?). Change is in the air! Anyway, I imagine I’d consent to her rubbing professional tanning lotions, full of anti-aging, and skin-firming qualities, all over my aging whiteness…

(God! I’d give ANYTHING to attend Free Veraspa Day! There I’d be…just me and finely-misted, cleanly scented what’s-her-name…rubbing those professional lotions on my youth-restored, firmly-skinned body..we’ll laugh! we’ll rub! we’ll laugh some more!..)

Uh so…what was I saying? Oh ya, er, tanning beds are for morons..well, no. Sunless tanning is for assholes, I’m pretty sure.

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